Archive | April, 2010

Legoland

28 Apr

We went to Legoland yesterday as Felix’s birthday treat. As we are Bad Parents we opted to take him out of school for the day, thus avoiding all of the crowds and queues. This actually worked better than expected when we rolled into a virtually empty carpark and enjoyed a total lack of queues throughout the day, meaning that we could go on all of the rides as much as we liked.

This wasn’t always a good thing though as evidenced when we had to go on a boat trip past fairytale characters no less than four times and then Felix insisted on going on the Sky Rider at the Exploration Centre five times. Still it was fun and our mild feelings of guilt at making him miss school for the day were assuaged completely by a sense of smugness that we had all had a really good day and managed to go on pretty much everything.

Here’s Felix looking thrilled on the Learner Driver’s course!

Oscar and I on a train ride together. Dave was trying to get a nice photograph of us together, but Oscar decided to choose that moment to make an undignified grab for me!

A couple of photographs of Oscar and I. It looks like he has inherited my red hair!

Felix and I on a helicopter ride – I’m actually terrified of heights and was trying hard to appear unconcerned here, despite the fact that he kept making it go as high up as possible!

The Sad Tale of Sooty I

27 Apr

So anyway, my absolute favourite toy when I was growing up was a Sooty hand puppet, which I had been given as a toddler. This was the seventies, so the Sooty Show was still going on and my God, how I loved that cute little orange bear. Okay, he didn’t speak but I didn’t care about that. I took him everywhere with me and he slept beside me, tucked up in my four poster bed at my side, every single night.

My own Sooty didn’t retain his pristine orangeness for very long and very rapidly became threadbare, acquired an assortment of operation scars and at the same time was denuded of an eye and his nose. I loved him anyway though.

Through thick and thin, countless house moves, changing schools, going to university then the hideous upheavals and personal iniquities of my twenties, he remained at my side. I might well have lost shoes, books and CDs along the way, but Sooty remained with me always.

Until I broke up with my most recent ex, he of the ill fated Type O Negative gig. Sooty resided in a drawer in his room alongside his own childhood toy and he knew the significance of the little battered hand puppet and how much I loved it.

Which is probably why he refused to give it back to me after we broke up.

The end of our relationship was a messy affair that not only broke up our engagement but also made me effectively homeless, meaning that all of my belongings resided at his flat. Which would have been fine, if he had not been a total bastard and refused to let me in to pack them up and take them away. In the end I got some of them back, but my beloved Sooty, loads of my clothes, some of my favourite CDs, a Victorian plate that was the only thing I had to remind me of my natural parents, my exam certificates, a box full of letters and memories, my birth certificate, loads of books that I really loved and a complete collection of Sandman books failed to make it back to me and he refused to send them on, first denying their existence, then heavily implying that as his flatmate’s girlfriend had packed my belongings up then she must have stolen it all.

I’ve since found out that most of it went on Ebay. Sooty’s fate, however, I do not know and to be frank, I don’t think that I want to know either.

You see, he had the misfortune to end up in the hands of someone that I happen to think is probably the very worst and most horrible person that I have ever met and one of the only three people on earth that I can wholeheartedly and without hyperbole say that I absolutely and entirely hate; a cruel, loathsome, mean spirited, evil natured, dishonest, vicious, violent, vainglorious, arrogant, vengeful, cheating, thieving, lying, faithless, unscrupulous, manipulative, stupid bastard who is so redolent with iniquity and so foul and repulsive in every way that when he dies, probably in the same way as the Elephant Man when the weight of his oversized head causes him to suffocate in his sleep, no one else in Hell will want to sit next to him in case he tries to tell them about the time he only read one book in a whole year and that book was by Dan Brown.

However, there is a happy postscript to this cautionary tale of woe and that is that my lovely husband, who has never read a Dan Brown book in his entire life and, more to the point, reads lots more than just one book a year and if he DID read one book in a year due to cruel mischance, would be too embarrassed to admit to this fact. Anyway, today, my lovely husband, who has a normal sized head and has never cheated on or lied to me or stolen my stuff or claimed that voices in his head were telling him to hurt me and who turned up on our wedding day and gave me my wonderful children, bought me a Sooty hand puppet to replace the one who came to a sad fate, which made me cry in the middle of Past Times but was lovely nonetheless. It’s ostensibly for Oscar who, it is hoped, will have better taste in relationships than his mother.

RIP Sooty I, you’ll never be forgotten.

My ex once said to me that he thought even a ‘talented wordsmith like yourself won’t be able to put a positive spin on what happened’. Yes, well, put a positive spin on this, you revolting, awful $£@&.

Happy birthday Felix!

25 Apr

Happy birthday Felix! Five today!

The story of his birth, taken from my Live Journal:

‘Woke up on Saturday the 23rd of April with little niggly pains that came every ten minutes on the dot. Thought ‘excellent, no induction for me today’ and went back to sleep. Was woken up by the phone ringing a couple of hours later and during the conversation noted that the pains had become considerably worse, which was even more promising. Sadly they stayed at every ten minutes for the rest of the day but I didn’t much care at this point as I had been reprieved from hospital and wasn’t exhausted at this stage. Was looked over by a midwife who declared me in very very early labour but added that nothing interesting was really happening. Went for a long walk on Clifton Downs to try and get something started but to no avail.

Sunday involved more of the same although we were both really tired by mid afternoon due to the pains preventing me from sleeping. Started to get really stressed as they became more painful and called out another midwife who examined me and depressed me further with the news that NOTHING had changed and there had been no dilation at all despite the fact that I was having to do controlled breathing and was really tired and restless. She also annoyed me by taking the piss out of Scottish accents, being totally negative about the whole thing, not knowing who Saint George was and then conducting a loud conversation about my progress (which compared me unfavourably to the last person she delivered ‘who only took an hour’ thus prompting competitive rage) in the hall outside our flat so all our neighbours could hear. Decided that I hated her with a passion. Pains carried on all day until I decided in the middle of the night that I just couldn’t face having a home birth after all due to being knackered and an almighty wuss. Reasoned that if non eventful pains were causing me such upset then I wasn’t going to be able to deal with the real thing without at least some pain relief. Was also worried about how tired we both were and decided that hospital might be safer in the circumstances. Begged to be admitted but was told not to darken their doors until the pains were coming five minutes apart. Walked around a lot cursing until this objective had been achieved and then gathered together stuff and CDs and headed off in the rain at four am.

Got to the birthing suite, which is the low key section of the delivery unit and was taken to a big en suite room which made us giggle a lot about ‘fetish hotels’ and the atheist ran around looking for the tea and coffee making facilities. Was examined at about five am and told that I was effaced (the cervix was thin) and about two centimetres dilated so therefore not in labour as yet. This was disheartening but I cheered up when I was pointed at the direction of the gas and air although she clearly thought I was going to be in for a long time as I was advised not to use it unless strictly necessary.

Was left alone until the eight am shift change when I acquired the world’s scariest midwife. She ordered me around quite a bit which went down quite badly as suddenly I was contracting every two minutes and often with no space in between. Resorted to the gas and air which rarely left my hands and started to panic a bit. Got in the bath and had a contraction so horrible that I was practically screaming – not to mention furious because my precious entonox was in the other room. Not that I had become dependant on it at all. No. Midwife came back and ordered me to hang over the back of the bed as I was feeling enormous pressure as though the baby was about to fall out but she thought it was just because he was in a bad position plus he was a bit big. Was confused at this point as my usual, hated, midwife had been telling me along that he was in a great position and he was only average size. I hate her. She LIES. Started to shout at Dave to go away and became quite mutinous and unwilling to be touched. Thought I might be in transition at this point but decided not as it was all too quick and I didn’t think I had progressed very much and nor did the midwife seem to. Pain became so bad that I begged to be allowed to sit down which was swiftly followed by begging for pethidine. Managed to be examined despite constant contractions and the midwife was amazed to find that I was nine cm dilated already which also meant no pain relief for me. I went into total shock and everyone shouted at me because I started to panic plus I also had an overwhelming, uncomfortable urge to push which they kept telling me to ignore.

The midwife went out of the room and at that instant my waters literally exploded over the bed. Dave hit the button thing and suddenly everything went batshit. I started pushing because I just couldn’t help it and she took one look at me, went ‘OH SHIT!’ and started running around hitting the button thing as well. At this point apparently I started to lose it totally and kept asking what was happening to me to which they kept shouting ‘You are in labour, now try and pull yourself together’. Was forcibly told to stop pushing and then all of a sudden Felix was there with us, having pretty much delivered himself. It was all over in about an hour from the first really horrible contraction to the moment he was born, which was great but also left me completely shaken and unable to believe what had happened. To be honest it didn’t even really hurt that much, it was just the feeling of pressure that was unbearable.

At this point we realised he was very grey and still and I feared the worst. He had a quick nip of oxygen though and started crying which was just the most wonderful sound ever. I don’t know what was wrong with him but they told me that the speed at which he was delivered had probably shocked him quite a bit. Was upset to find out that he only scored six apgar points at first, which isn’t too great but he was a ten within five minutes so that was good. He was beautiful from the very first – big and plump with lots of dark hair and very alert. He had rather cracked, blue hands and feet though as a result of being two weeks late but it soon went away.’

Anyway, we might have known that someone who made his entrance into the world in such a dramatic manner wouldn’t exactly be a shrinking violet and Felix has definitely got the most artistic temperment in our family! He’s never happier than when he is drawing, making up stories or pretending to be his hero, Doctor Who! Happy birthday Felix!

Marathon Mummy and Brave or Foolish?

24 Apr

I just want to make a post about my beautiful, most lovely friend Rachael, who is running the London Marathon tomorrow with her sister in memory of their dad and to raise money for Heart Research UK.

I’ve been following her blog, Marathon Mummy about it over the months and words can’t express how proud I am of her and how impressed I have been by her dedication. I feel so honoured to be her friend.

If you would like to sponsor her, then I am sure any donation would be welcome.

Another friend, the amazing Rosie from Brave or Foolish? is running the marathon tomorrow in order to raise money for The Miscarriage Association, who have helped her, myself and so many other people come to terms with the loss of a pregnancy over the years.

I’ve known Rosie for many years now, ever since she was sick all over my mushroom biriani then passed out on the bathroom floor and am also so impressed and proud of her determination and dedication over the past months. It really is an astounding feat. I always assumed in the past that people just turned up on the day to run the London Marathon, were given their numbers and off they went. I had absolutely no idea that you had to apply months in advance and then train intensively beforehand. I’m in awe of my two friends, who have worked so hard to do this, especially as they have both had to juggle it around looking after small children as well.

If miscarriage has ever touched your life, or that of anyone close to you then you can sponsor Rosie here.

Good luck for tomorrow Rachael and Rosie! I’ll be thinking about you both all day and cheerleading you on!

New cookery books for my collection

24 Apr

I have a bit of a problem: I can’t stop buying cookery books. This wouldn’t be so bad if I actually used any of them, but I never do and I now have literally dozens of them hanging about my kitchen, cluttering the place, gathering dust and not actually serving any useful purpose other than to remind me that I really should try to cook ‘from scratch’ more often.

I just can’t resist them though. I’m drawn to glossy pink covers, pictures of beautifully decorated cupcakes and artful design. My personal preference is for bakery books, with the beautifully aspirational tomes of celebrity cooks coming a close second. Jamie, Nigella, Rachel, Gordon, Heston – I covet them all.

They aren’t entirely unappreciated though – I really love reading a cookery book at bedtime, finding that there are few things more comforting, more soporific than flicking idly through pages of beautifully presented, wholesome food whimsically photographed on chipped, mismatched pink and blue plates. Sometimes, I resolve to use them but it never actually happens thanks to time constraints and the prohibitive layout of our flat, which renders the leisurely cookery that I adore utterly impractical.

When we move house, I’ll have the big kitchen that I long for though and then things will change! Depressingly, I am actually a really good cook, I just don’t have time to do it properly and have also noted several times that the more effort I put into a meal, the less likely my small boys are to actually eat it. I swear that they would be utterly thrilled if I presented them with waffles with a side of Neopolitan ice cream every day.

Actually, that’s not strictly true: Oscar has a passion for couscous and Felix would appear to love chop suey noodles scooped up with prawn crackers.

Anyway, these are the two newest additions to my cookery book collection. True to form, I am ridiculously excited about both of them and have spent many happy hours reading through them, mentally ticking off the recipes that I want to try and admiring the photography. Whether I actually ever cook anything from either of them, is anyone’s guess…

An afternoon at Windsor

23 Apr

So anyway, the whole point of my going to London last month was to meet up with my former university tutor, Mr Desmond Shawe-Taylor, who is now the Surveyor of the Queen’s Pictures.

Actually, I’ve just recalled that not only was Desmond my tutor at Nottingham, but he also interviewed me for my place on the course. At the time I was undecided between Bristol, York and Nottingham, but it was my interview with Desmond that made me decide on the spot that I wanted to go to Nottingham. I was already a fan of his work on Georgian art and I really looked forward to learning more about it from an expert.

It is Desmond that you have to thank for my love of Baroque religious art and for an appreciation of sculpture. The other tutors at Nottingham prefered a more factual, less flamboyant style in their essays – it was Desmond who taught me that writing about art history is boring without drama and flair and encouraged me to write about what I saw vividly and with vigour.

He left Nottingham in my second year to Director of Dulwich Picture Gallery and then later on became Surveyor of the Queen’s Pictures, which basically means that he is responsible for the Queen’s painting collection.

I was thrilled and excited when he offered to meet up in the wake of the opening of Victoria and Albert: Art and Love at the Queen’s Picture Gallery and had lots of questions planned. However, it didn’t quite work out that way and we ended up having an informal but fascinating conversation about art history instead.

First of all we talked about the exhibition about Victoria and Albert, which I had assumed was inspired by the film Young Victoria or at least was planned with it in mind, but it seems that it was just a happy coincidence that they happened so close together.

We talked about how the world is ready for another reinterpretation of the Victorians and this focus on the young Queen Victoria and the romance between her and Albert is a fresh new look at both the Queen and the period that she lived in, challenging the staid view that people tend to have both of the Victorians and also Victoria herself. The last big rethink about the Victorians seemed to involve focussing on their sex lives and debunking the myth that they were repressed and moralistic – now, it seems that it is time that we looked at the romantic Victorians.

There are cross overs as well between the Queen’s Gallery’s previous exhibition about conversation pieces and the new exhibition about Victoria and Albert: both are intrinsically focused on the contentment of happy domestic life, the intimate moments that until the eighteenth century had not been depicted so often in art. On one hand, we have the somewhat stiff but still affectionate family groups of the conversation pieces and on the other we have the visual evidence of the great love between Queen Victoria and her Albert.

The paintings of the royal couple with their children bear a definite relationship to the earlier paintings, most closely with those of George III, Queen Charlotte and their numerous children. It is clear that what is being depicted here is not just an idealised happy family life but also a very definite attempt at propaganda – on one hand there is George III, his wife and band of pop eyed children, painted at their leisure either seated before a dressing table or at their ease in a quintessentially English landscape, using a very English conceit to distance themselves both from their embarrassing Stuart ancestors and also the unpopular earlier Hanoverian kings and on the other, there is Victoria and Albert, dressed just like any other middle class family, openly showing their love and distancing themselves from Victoria’s family, which at the time comprised her degenerate uncles.

Both exhibitions encompass a movement towards a very informal, middle class form of art. Before the conversation piece, portraiture was the preserve of the aristocracy and usually depicted nobility dressed in their finest clothes, posing self consciously, an arch smile hovering about their lips and the conversation pieces are the antithesis of this. They also chart the movement of the royal family towards a more intimate and informal way of life, reflecting their own wish to be more wholesome in an attempt to gain security and separate themselves from the bad behaviour of the past.

Desmond and I talked regretfully about the fact that these attempts were inevitably doomed to failure. George III and Queen Charlotte did their best to raise good, well behaved children who would be totally unlike their ancestors and instead managed to produce a brood who have gone down in history as a iniquitous rabble. Victoria and Albert had better luck, although their eldest son Prince Bertie could be classed as a definite failure.

We also touched on the burgeoning interest in German art and writing, with its more moral and sombre themes than that of France. It’s interesting that in the eighteenth century, France, Germany and England fed off each other culturally and yet retained their own distinct character. The main crux of this would seem to be the role of court culture at the time and the movement away from behemoths like Versailles towards the more culturally diverse and lively salons of Paris. At the same time, London was a centre for writers and artists while the court at Windsor (with the exception of Frances Burney, who loathed it) was stultified and dull.

Another interesting point was the difference in reactions to the various Germanic consorts at this time – we all know about Marie Antoinette’s shattered reputation in France, but how does this contrast with the way that Queen Charlotte, a German princess, was viewed in England and then, much later, how the Saxon Prince Albert was regarded by the subjects of his wife, Victoria.

It was a fascinating afternoon and so thank you, Desmond, if you read this, for being so kind and for the fabulous conversation! I took so much away with me and have been feeling very inspired ever since.

More posts about this:

Victoria and Albert: Art and Love.

The Conversation Piece: Scenes of Fashionable Life.

The Young Victoria.

Venus of the Emperor?

18 Apr

I am half way through reading Venus of Empire, the recent biography of Pauline Bonaparte by Flora Fraser. I was planning to review it in full when I had finished the entire book but decided to post something now while it is still fresh in my mind.

Now, I have to admit that I haven’t really enjoyed any of Flora Fraser’s previous efforts – I’ve found them dull, pedestrian and without any of the flair and dash that makes her mother, Antonia Fraser’s books so eminently readable. Princesses, about the daughters of George III,  in particular, was a dreary slog of a book that I am afraid I cast aside only a third of a way in.

The new book about Pauline Borghese, however, is rather more of a page turner and I am really enjoying reading it. I fully expected to absolutely loathe Pauline when I started it as, after all, her reputation is not of the best and she has come down in posterity as an arch, spiteful, mannerless coquette, whose only redeeming feature was her continued loyalty to her brother, Napoléon, when everyone else had fled and left him to his fate.

Instead, the image of Pauline that Flora Fraser evokes is of a not too bright, stubborn girl who liked to enjoy life and formed sincere attachments to her first husband and their son, Dermide. Most of Pauline’s infamous peccadillos and quirks, such as her insistence upon being carried about by strong men or even her affairs are explained away as the results of actual physical weakness or frustration induced by her failure of a marriage to the Prince Borghese.

However, I have to take issue with Flora Fraser’s bizarre assertion that there was some sort of incestuous relationship going on between Pauline and her brother, Napoléon. I would have expected such a grave assertion to have more justification than the short paragraph that it received and more proof than Fraser’s assertion that it was her belief that they probably had sex because, get this, they both liked having sex and they also liked each other. That’s it.

Now, I like reading books about Egyptian Pharaohs and so am not exactly horrified by tales of incest between siblings, however, I think this was going too far. I can’t even really put my finger on why it bothers me so much, but it seemed to me like Fraser threw this snippet into the mix in the hopes that it would spice her book up a bit but was ultimately too timid to actually back it up in any way.

Cinnamon Girl

15 Apr

Peter Steele is dead again. Allegedly. Or at least according to Twitter, Wikipedia and Kerrang. Personally, I won’t believe it until I see an actual body.

I went to see Type O Negative once. I probably shouldn’t talk about it but what the hell. I don’t remember the details but a quick Google reveals that I was present at their gig at the London Astoria on the 20th June 2003.

I was very different back then – I had black hair for a start and was also about three times as fat thanks to a diet of Stella Artois and muttar paneer curry courtesy of my then fiancé.

The day before the Type O gig, which I wasn’t really looking forward to anyway, I found out that I was pregnant via the means of a test taken in the cramped and oddly Victorian loos at the London Marriage Guidance Centre. I was terrified, while my fiancé veered between excitement and horror before finally settling on a stance of ‘Well you can keep it if you like, but you won’t see me for dust’.

We went to the gig anyway, meeting up beforehand in a pub on Tottenham Court Road, where he was waiting with one of the girls that it later transpired that he was cheating on me with, which was a bit tense because they looked a bit put out when I turned up and glared at them both.

Things got worse in the queue when he gave me the ‘It’s either me or it’ talk again and then told me to ‘cheer up, it might never happen’ before offering me a can of warm Fosters as some sort of test of my turpitude. By the time we actually got inside I was in a state of gothic hysteria, which resulted in me sobbing copiously all over a gay American (he is actually called Scott, but somehow, the fact that he is gay and American just adds to the pathos of the situation) and shrieking incoherently and at length about the iniquity, infamy and evil of my fiancé while the band played in the background.

I hear that Type O were quite good that night, but I guess I will never know. It makes me laugh now though, that their songs mostly seem to be about misery and dysfunctional goth relationships and there was I, flailing and melodramatic in the crowd, using their music as a real life soundtrack to what was to be the beginning of one of the hideously miserable and humiliating break ups ever. If it happened in a film, you would say that it was all too far fetched but it really happened.

It was horrible at the time, but I can laugh about it now and if nothing else, it means that every so often Scott, the Gay American and I can chuckle together about that time we saw Type O Negative.

So, I’m sorry Peter for being at one of your gigs but being too goth to actually appreciate it.

But of course, you aren’t really dead are you?

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